[editor:bb]
ACT ____ MILLENIUM MADNESS
SCENE____ LOADED HOG
CHARACTERS:
NORTH (of the Bombay Hills) Spokesman 1 - PR for Auckland City Council
SOUTH (of the Bombay Hills) Spokesman 2 - Publican from the Monarch Bar and Grill
OLD CUP SAILOR
TOM
ROB
FOUR SAILORS
LOCAL REGULARS
NORTH AND SOUTH FACE EACH OTHER OFF ACROSS THE BAR
For every line NORTH says SOUTH interprets for the festive sailors rolling in.
NORTH SOUTH
Within the Loaded Hog In our communal bog
Viaduct Basin Put a good face on
There are trumpets blowing hard, son There are strumpets blowing hards on
Auckland City Council Corks and itchy crutches
Has got you off the treadmill Will remind you of a cheap thrill
OLD CUP SAILOR WANDERS UP TO THE GROUP AND STARTS SINGING
(Tune of "Mark Twain" of Kingston Trio fame)
My friends and I can tell you boys, when we was just your age
We was the kiwi sailors on Black Magic on world stage
We'd hob nob with the moles ashore and sink a can or two
Then put our minds to winning well when we was just your age
CHORUS OF ALL SAILORS JOIN IN
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the right
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the left
Black Boat, tune that rigging as we go
And we'll pull the auld mug, from San Dee-ay-go.
OLD CUP SAILOR
There were trimmers, grinders, bowman, and an afterguard of vets
With Russell Coutts the skipper, Red Socks Blake the boss
Tim Gurr had the band ashore, we were never at a loss
It was a floating rocket, that Black Boat with the gloss
CHORUS AS ABOVE
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the right
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the left
Black Boat, tune that rigging as we go
And we'll pull the auld mug, from San Dee-ay-go.
OLD CUP SAILOR
The stage there then was set, boys, to show a trick or two
Hard work earns the luck, so we had our share too.
We listened to our instincts, and shut our ears to trash
And bagged that Auld Mug there then, and we knew we'd do it too.
CHORUS AS ABOVE
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the right
Black Boat, there's a wind shift to the left
Black Boat, tune that rigging as we go
And that auld mug will stay here too ----!
TOM AND ROB COME UP TO THE GROUP
ALL FACES TURN TO TOM
You know I had my birthday on the day before the start.
Rob faxed that song to warm our hearts.
He'd said Five ---zero sounded right.
That was the night of nights.
ROB
And you did it all again.
Bravo, you're a hero Tom, and a gentleman at that.
We love you as the guy that put us on the map.
Then when the boys got itchy feet for the big bucks overseas
You could see their point of view, but you weren't shaking at the knees.
You called their coup a challenge to the new ones coming through
And felt those stirrings of revenge with men of guts like you.
EXEUNT ROB AND TOM
(BOOZE FLOWS, NOISE GROWS, BOYS WILL BE BOYS. Sensitive? Read no further.)
Love or hate, that's the bait. Hook one here, ditch one there.
Cast a line. Pay the fine. Get a pro, the one's that know
Get it free. That's for me. Any old virgin in need of urgin.
You go screw. I'll have a brew. What's the use, it's all abuse.
Hey, short arse - she made a pass. I'll not look in your book.
Lift well. Sounds swell. Thirty seconds - get your bets on.
Your place, my place. There's a space. It's all hard case.
I gotta hard on. I want a pee. "appens to all. Just bend a knee.
Dressing rooms, with the brooms. In the loo. That'll do.
Back seat. Sounds neat. Hey you, hook in too.
What's your trouble.
I see double.
That's the fun
Box or bum.
ALL THROWN OUT OF THE PUB.
